Since I first started writing 3-4 days ago, 1 person message me on Facebook saying he/she also has some similar problems. He/she asking what is the next step in order to seek help.
I'm not here trying to get sympathy or to make excuses to anyone, I do this because if I read someone writing this when I didn't know what I had, I probably won't get to the point of going to the emergency or I can save few of my lost friendships. Or, if my family members and friends read something like this on the internet they might understand what the heck is wrong with me? Why I was so not unhappy sometimes although I don't have big problems? Why my mood swings and PMS are so bad to the point of I feel I want to die?
I know there will be many people who won't agree to this act of telling private things online. As I said in previous posts, I choose what I want people to know and comfortable sharing. Not all of it. And thank God, I am no more in the stage of listening to what people say. I know myself inside and out. I know my strengths, I've identified my weaknesses and I know what I can handle, and what I cannot.
By doing this, I could help someone who CUT themselves silently or have suicidal thoughts or cried every night before sleep not knowing why.
I will never say, "suicide??? wei mengucap. Kau orang Islam"
I will never say, "Kau bole tak jangan drama sangat. Aku allergic dengan drama"
I will never say,"Semua orang pun sedih dan anxious, normal je tu"
I will never say,"Aku takleh tahan moodswings kau"
I want people to know that if you think you have MDD/PMDD/GAD/Anxiety, you are allowed to feel all these scary thoughts. Allowed, but it doesn't mean YOU ARE RIGHT. Those thoughts are symptoms. Your mind and body is trying to tell you something you don't know about yourself.
Google online to know all the symptoms but isn't knowing that its ok to feel this is already a liberation on its own? You'll be surprised to know that even muscle soreness, lethargic-ness and unexplained pain could be symptoms.
I think to not be scared of the unusual thoughts and self-acts is step 1 to recovery.
One other thing I did right is learning and understanding my triggers, write down every attacks time/date. This could take a while. I don't do this alone. I can NEVER do this alone. I have my psychiatrist and my psychologist helping me to make sure I captured every details and do not missed anything out. Mind you, this is a long and tiring steps. Could be months and maybe 20 visits to see the doctor. I do have scheduled appointments but I keep in contact with her all the time with texting. She also meet up with me after every attacks.
By doing this, we managed to understand patterns and triggers The date and time of attacks were all near to my menstrual.
--> another discovery!!
Triggers are actually not so important, sometimes it can be trigger-less.
Then, I started figuring out what to do after knowing all the information. By this point, I have improved so much. I don't feel sick anymore except 5-7 days before menstrual and this was NOT EVERY MONTH. Some months are just PMS. If it is just PMS, i will be so thankful and grateful. Lol. PMS is like winning the lottery. Hahahaha.
Only certain lucky people can see me in PMDD state. Seriously. If you do, it means I am comfortable enough to be around you during PMDD. some close friends, some colleagues at work, family members. I plan my schedule around this time so I don't have to socialise so much and nothing important falls on this date. If I cannot avoid it, I take a note on it.
NOW YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE PLANNERS AND STICKERS SO MUCH? Haha.
So, trust me when I say my sickness probably won't effect you at all. I have 5-7 close friends who I allowed to see my PMDD state. Now, dah jadi 2. Nama diorang 1) Runiz Hamzah and 2) Hidayah Jaafar. Itu saje. Tahniah kerana make it to the top 2 korangs. Kejayaan sangat. Sila lah bertahan.
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