Episode 7 - How depression thought me the most important life lesson (Final)

**What i choose to write here in this series is only parts I feel comfortable sharing. There are other details that was not included as I want to keep it private. The objective here is to understand the pattern, triggers, what should be the STOP signs that I missed, symptoms and what I wish other people to learn from my experience**

1. About 5 months prior to being hospitalised, I started taking anti-depressant prescribed by my doctor. Almost everybody I know was against me seeing a psychiatrist what more taking anti-depressants. 

2. But remember what brought me to this lowest point of my life? Listening to other people and not taking charge of my own life. I was already too weak physically, mentally and emotionally. I can't pick myself up no matter how hard I tried. This was beyond rock bottom. This was layers and layers of crap, 100 metres below rock bottom. 

3. There are so many types of anti-depressant in the market. In most cases, it will be like try and error to find which one is suitable to each patient. Most specialists will look at the symptoms and choose whichever best. 

4. After few tries, I found one that fits me. My depression was cured almost immediately after changing medication. For the first time in so long, I was able to feel happy again. 

5. During the recovery period, I identify triggers and eliminate toxic people, relationships, places and learn about the disorder as much as I can. 

6. But my real problem was not depression. It was actually General Anxiety and PMDD that got me depressed and that was the answers to most my irritability and horrible mood swings. 

7. So that brought us to now. My journey to my current state made me realise my problem is actually PMDD and GAD. 

The life lessons.

1. Depression could be the best thing that happened to me. It helped me realised that I was not being true to myself. I was trying so hard to please other people to the point that I can't remember who I was anymore.

2. Nobody knows you better than yourself.

3. Take everything people tell you with a pinch of salt. Most of them do not have ill-intentions but it does not necessary mean it is the truth.

4. I don't need friends and people as much as i thought I would. It will be nice having good people around but having some alone time is good too. :) 

5. Remember those feedbacks? Now, this is how I would handle them rather than let it affect me. 

a) I can be too outspoken sometimes - This is a strength if i know how to use it right. Being outspoken can be a good thing. It tells me that I am brave and courageous as I don't believe in talking behind other people's back. However, depends on situation telling other people whats on our mind could be unnecessary if it will only hurt another person and don't have any benefits to it. 

b) I can be very arrogant - Really?? I cant pin-point to any situation which shows my arrogance. But will work on it. Thank you. 

c) I don't care about other people's feeling but mine - This is partly PMDD. When I acted like this, please tell this to my face. Jangan la nak merajuk simpan dalam hati pastu cakap belakang. 

d) I am selfish - This is partly PMDD. When I acted like this, please tell this to my face. 

e) My mood swings are unbearable - This is partly PMDD. PMDD is very predictable and timely. I wont be around people I don't trust. So very few people will see this. If u manage to see me during PMDD you are the lucky few because i trust you!!! Congratulationssss!!!

f) I bare everything on social media - This is a generalisation. I keep a lot of private things to myself.  I am no Kim Kardashian.