Episode 11: The benefits of my GAD

Having to know that I am actually prone to trigger-less panic attacks and PMDD, I learn to be extra careful and take care of myself better that most people.

1. Morning exercise always manage to calm my anxiety, so I put in on top of my to do list. Most people exercise WHEN they have time. I exercise even when I don't have time. 

2. Gaining weight can make me go crazy like out of this world pissed off. So I have no choice but to lose weight. Most people want to lose weight. But their emotional stability don't depend on it. 

3. I am extra worried if I don't watch what I eat. So I have to eat right, no choice.

4. My anxiety and panic attacks usually happened when I'm tired and have not enough sleep. Hence, 6-8 hours is a must. 

5. Toxic people can cause me anxiousness and irritability. So I stay away from them. e.g. People who talks bad about other people especially when in groups. Argh i hated those. 

6. My job requires me to talk to psychiatrists. Most of my customers don't know I have GAD. But those few that does are always extra nice to me :) 

7.  This comes at a later stage. Having GAD actually gives me motivation to work hard. I tend to put extra effort especially when I'm well because I know I can get sick anytime and might lose 2-3 productive days to recover.

8. I am more empathetic towards other people. When someone tells me their worries, I swear I can feel it in my spine, nerve and bones. 

9. After more than a year of treatment and CBT, I started to really believe GAD is actually my strength. It is what got me to where I am now and how I can do well in many things. 

10. I may have lost tons and tons of friends but those that stay with me are super duper great and awesome people. They are trustworthy, they are loyal, they don't judge, etc. Couldn't ask for better friends. 

If you are anything like me, I know you can find yours too. Good luck! :)

Episode 10: How to react around someone who is depressed

I know many of my friends don't know how to react when I told them I'm sick. Reacting to it is one thing, what if you have to interact with me or you, yourself want to help and make it easier? Being supportive is not easy. Most of the time, people come with good intentions but ended up being pissed off and annoyed.

I believe it is different for everyone, depends on personality but in general I think these tips could be applied:

1. Don't argue.

I have the tendencies to say very weird and stupid things when I'm sick. It is not the 'real' me. For e.g. I say I've lost faith and I don't think God cares about me. Many people (especially Muslims) will freak out when I say this. Most will want to make me change my mind that very second or take back what I say to them or give arguments why I shouldn't feel that way.

First of all, I don't mean what I say. If I have death wish or I say I don't feel God's presence when I'm sick so just take a chill pill and no need to make things right for me. Most will try to questioned and I'm sure in their head they will think "Apa lagi la dia nak semua tak puas, orang lain banyak lagi tak dapat"

Instead, why don't give motivations and be positive like:

Ensure me that I don't mean what I said, I won't feel the same later when I'm well

Remind me stories of the prophets. God loves all prophets but the tests that God gave them were extraordinary hard. Usually someone who is depressed needs to be reminded of good things.

2) Never assume. Ask questions.

If you are supposed to hang out or meet with me but not sure (or I scare the shit out of you when I'm sick) why don't you ask to get assurance. "Are you sure you want me to come or you need to be alone until you feel better?" And don't ask just for the sake of asking. Be honest, if you really feel you are also stressed out why don't just say, "Maybe we just meet on different day? You are not well, Im also not feeling so well".

3) Don't be sensitive the same time I tend to be super sensitive. Can't you pick a different day?

4) Educate yourself about the disease so you won't be surprised and know what to expect.

5) If you really cannot handle then the best is just to say so. It is understandable for friends and family to be worn out and frustrated. That's why I do think if your sickness makes you so easily irritated, do not skip medications.

6) Be fun. Distraction is good. If they keep telling you they hate this hate that everything in the world is wrong, change the subject. Talk about cats, music, movies, the weather, Rosma's hair and bags, etc.

7) Just be there and keep telling them that the feeling will pass. This is temporary.

8) If you have to say you are also worn out and frustrated, just use the right wording and be honest.

Good luck.

Episode 9: Panic and Anxiety Q&A

**Another person message me on Facebook saying he/she can relate because her/his family member has been diagnosed with panic/anxiety. Alhamdulillah, if this can help people understand more, I am more than happy to share tips & tricks how to deal with this disorder. Thank you, again for texting me and telling me  :) **

**What I'm about to share is based on my own understanding and panic/anxiety attacks experience. It could be similar, could be different to other people's experience**

1. What is anxiety disorder? What is anxiety/panic attack? Is it the same or different?

Everybody has anxiety and get panic in some scary situations. This is normal. If i'm having an interview or tests coming, the anxiety and panic I am experiencing is normal, not a disorder. 

It becomes a disorder when the anxiety/worry interferes with our daily life. In my case, I get scared over Monday coming because I need to see this one customer or I get scary whenever I went to this particular shopping mall. First of all, those worry thoughts could be illogical and over emphasised. Why would anyone be scared of a shopping mall? And Monday is known to be scary and dreadful to most people, thats why the term "Monday blues" exists. But in my case, being scared of Monday gets me into panic mode. I'm unnecessarily in a flight or fight mindset. Then, when something small and sometimes totally unrelated triggers, i got panic ATTACK. 

Panic attack is actually the scariest thing if you don't know what it is. My first panic attack sign is that I will be tearing up like crazy. In just seconds, my eyes and face will be swollen like I've been crying for hours. Sometimes I get chest pain, sometimes I feel like there are some kinds of sand in my throat. I can physically feel that my whole body is like in a bubble where there is less oxygen. You know like if you go for scuba diving and suddenly your regulator got filled with water, instead of pushing the water out, you choked on it. You cannot go up immediately because being 30meters underwater the pressure will kill you so you just have to stay down there. Your fellow diving buddy won't know and notice anything because they are busy looking at corals and you cannot talk underwater how are you going to tell your buddy you are choking? Scary right? Ya thats how I feel. Its like no way out. 

Panic attack is short. The most it can only be is 20 minutes. But, if you do not know how to control it and how to get yourself out of the fight or flight mode panic attacks can happens more than once, one after another. Getting through 1 panic attack without medication is doable, but If its more than one I suggest you do get some medication because I don't think anyone should go through it. It is really unbearable.

Anxiety disorder is like you have a faulty burglar alarm. Panic or anxiety attack is like the burglar alarm got activated over a stray cat coming into your house. 

Although its not like you are not getting a real heart attack but your body did go through a very demanding and scary situations so in my case, I got so tired after a panic attack sometimes it took me 2-3 days to recover and feel normal again. 

How to make it stop?

1. Get yourself out of the situation, or place or if someone triggers it politely asked to be excused. Go out where you can get fresh air if possible. 

2. Breathe. You must get your breathing to be back to normal. If you are helping someone, ask them to breathe deep. Take 10 deep breathing. 

3. If the thoughts still got emphasised, make it stop. Distract yourself. Don't dwell on the thoughts, If the same thing triggers you over and over again, break the cycle. This could be hard if the trigger is your work or your boss or your family member that you have to see everyday. Try to get some space and time away to break the cycle.

4. Sometimes there is actually no trigger. Sometimes the trigger for me can be as simple as too tired. Do not overthink what the trigger is, i think knowing how to stop and manage is more important to do.

Hope this helps. Good luck :)

Episode 8: Post Depression and Why the freak do I publish this online?

Since I first started writing 3-4 days ago, 1 person message me on Facebook saying he/she also has some similar problems. He/she asking what is the next step in order to seek help. 

I'm not here trying to get sympathy or to make excuses to anyone, I do this because if I read someone writing this when I didn't know what I had, I probably won't get to the point of going to the emergency or I can save few of my lost friendships. Or, if my family members and friends read something like this on the internet they might understand what the heck is wrong with me? Why I was so not unhappy sometimes although I don't have big problems? Why my mood swings and PMS are so bad to the point of I feel I want to die?

I know there will be many people who won't agree to this act of telling private things online. As I said in previous posts, I choose what I want people to know and comfortable sharing. Not all of it. And thank God, I am no more in the stage of listening to what people say. I know myself inside and out. I know my strengths, I've identified my weaknesses and I know what I can handle, and what I cannot. 

By doing this, I could help someone who CUT themselves silently or have suicidal thoughts or cried every night before sleep not knowing why. 

I will never say, "suicide??? wei mengucap. Kau orang Islam"

I will never say, "Kau bole tak jangan drama sangat. Aku allergic dengan drama"

I will never say,"Semua orang pun sedih dan anxious, normal je tu"

I will never say,"Aku takleh tahan moodswings kau"

I want people to know that if you think you have MDD/PMDD/GAD/Anxiety, you are allowed to feel all these scary thoughts. Allowed, but it doesn't mean YOU ARE RIGHT. Those thoughts are symptoms. Your mind and body is trying to tell you something you don't know about yourself. 

Google online to know all the symptoms but isn't knowing that its ok to feel this is already a liberation on its own? You'll be surprised to know that even muscle soreness, lethargic-ness and unexplained pain could be symptoms. 

I think to not be scared of the unusual thoughts and self-acts is step 1 to recovery. 

One other thing I did right is learning and understanding my triggers, write down every attacks time/date. This could take a while. I don't do this alone. I can NEVER do this alone. I have my psychiatrist and my psychologist helping me to make sure I captured every details and do not missed anything out. Mind you, this is a long and tiring steps. Could be months and maybe 20 visits to see the doctor. I do have scheduled appointments but I keep in contact with her all the time with texting. She also meet up with me after every attacks. 

By doing this, we managed to understand patterns and triggers The date and time of attacks were all near to my menstrual.

 --> another discovery!!

Triggers are actually not so important, sometimes it can be trigger-less. 

Then, I started figuring out what to do after knowing all the information. By this point, I have improved so much. I don't feel sick anymore except 5-7 days before menstrual and this was NOT EVERY MONTH. Some months are just PMS. If it is just PMS, i will be so thankful and grateful. Lol. PMS is like winning the lottery. Hahahaha. 

Only certain lucky people can see me in PMDD state. Seriously. If you do, it means I am comfortable enough to be around you during PMDD. some close friends, some colleagues at work, family members. I plan my schedule around this time so I don't have to socialise so much and nothing important falls on this date. If I cannot avoid it, I take a note on it. 

NOW YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE PLANNERS AND STICKERS SO MUCH? Haha.

So, trust me when I say my sickness probably won't effect you at all. I have 5-7 close friends who I allowed to see my PMDD state. Now, dah jadi 2.  Nama diorang 1) Runiz Hamzah and 2) Hidayah Jaafar. Itu saje. Tahniah kerana make it to the top 2 korangs. Kejayaan sangat. Sila lah bertahan. 

Episode 7 - How depression thought me the most important life lesson (Final)

**What i choose to write here in this series is only parts I feel comfortable sharing. There are other details that was not included as I want to keep it private. The objective here is to understand the pattern, triggers, what should be the STOP signs that I missed, symptoms and what I wish other people to learn from my experience**

1. About 5 months prior to being hospitalised, I started taking anti-depressant prescribed by my doctor. Almost everybody I know was against me seeing a psychiatrist what more taking anti-depressants. 

2. But remember what brought me to this lowest point of my life? Listening to other people and not taking charge of my own life. I was already too weak physically, mentally and emotionally. I can't pick myself up no matter how hard I tried. This was beyond rock bottom. This was layers and layers of crap, 100 metres below rock bottom. 

3. There are so many types of anti-depressant in the market. In most cases, it will be like try and error to find which one is suitable to each patient. Most specialists will look at the symptoms and choose whichever best. 

4. After few tries, I found one that fits me. My depression was cured almost immediately after changing medication. For the first time in so long, I was able to feel happy again. 

5. During the recovery period, I identify triggers and eliminate toxic people, relationships, places and learn about the disorder as much as I can. 

6. But my real problem was not depression. It was actually General Anxiety and PMDD that got me depressed and that was the answers to most my irritability and horrible mood swings. 

7. So that brought us to now. My journey to my current state made me realise my problem is actually PMDD and GAD. 

The life lessons.

1. Depression could be the best thing that happened to me. It helped me realised that I was not being true to myself. I was trying so hard to please other people to the point that I can't remember who I was anymore.

2. Nobody knows you better than yourself.

3. Take everything people tell you with a pinch of salt. Most of them do not have ill-intentions but it does not necessary mean it is the truth.

4. I don't need friends and people as much as i thought I would. It will be nice having good people around but having some alone time is good too. :) 

5. Remember those feedbacks? Now, this is how I would handle them rather than let it affect me. 

a) I can be too outspoken sometimes - This is a strength if i know how to use it right. Being outspoken can be a good thing. It tells me that I am brave and courageous as I don't believe in talking behind other people's back. However, depends on situation telling other people whats on our mind could be unnecessary if it will only hurt another person and don't have any benefits to it. 

b) I can be very arrogant - Really?? I cant pin-point to any situation which shows my arrogance. But will work on it. Thank you. 

c) I don't care about other people's feeling but mine - This is partly PMDD. When I acted like this, please tell this to my face. Jangan la nak merajuk simpan dalam hati pastu cakap belakang. 

d) I am selfish - This is partly PMDD. When I acted like this, please tell this to my face. 

e) My mood swings are unbearable - This is partly PMDD. PMDD is very predictable and timely. I wont be around people I don't trust. So very few people will see this. If u manage to see me during PMDD you are the lucky few because i trust you!!! Congratulationssss!!!

f) I bare everything on social media - This is a generalisation. I keep a lot of private things to myself.  I am no Kim Kardashian. 

Episode 7 - How depression thought me the most important life lesson (Part 2)

When Depression hits and what it was like. 

1. It started maybe 3-4 years ago. 

2. I started to have less friends. Most of my close friends have gotten married, live far away. I met many new people but I kept making enemies instead of good friends. The most I can be on good terms is about 7 months before I realised I don't like them. I noticed that as I get older, I was exposed to more types of people. They were hypocrites, they backstabbed, they gossip and ridicule other people, etc. Then, i started showing my irritability, temper and low tolerance towards many types of human. I become more and more isolated. 

3. Because I start fights and arguments with so many people, i started to wonder and think why. I asked close friends and they give me feedbacks:

a) I can be too outspoken sometimes

b) I can be very arrogant

c) I don't care about other people's feeling but mine

d) I am selfish

e) My mood swings are unbearable

f) I bare everything on social media

4. As a person with undiagnosed GAD, i tend to overthink, overanalyse, overemphasise those feedbacks. I took it hard. It made me believe all that is true. In my head, I was a bad person. 

5. I tried to change. To the point I became "AN INTROVERT/LONER WANNABE". As i believed that I was not a good person and people will tend to hate me if they know the real me, i tried to change every aspect of who I was. I talked less, I make jokes less, I don't make new friends because I knew in the end I will get into argument with them. Whats the point?

6. At this stage, I was in my late 20s. I was so confused of who I was and what I was supposed to portray to people so that they wont hate me. My GAD symptoms started to get more obvious. I get nervous in large crowd. I continued losing friends to the point it doesn't feel anything anymore. I don't get sad over losing friends. 

7. As i made myself believe I was a socially-inept, I focus on work, weekend school and get very seriously into fitness. I think these were the best decision I ever made. Distract myself to doing something productive rather than just succumb to sadness. Although I was depressed, I achieved a lot of things that helped with the motivation a little bit. What I did wrong was, i didn't emphasise these successes as much as I emphasise those critiques in my head. I still feel useless and sad. All I think about was those bad words people put into my head. 

8. I follow almost all people say because I believe I don't know any better. When they say something I did was bad, I agreed. I stop doing it. Because all I want is to not fight with anybody. I don't want to be a bad person that everybody hates. 

9. This was when I started to get panic, anxiety attacks on a daily basis, around the clock. One after another. I don't know who I was, I forgot what my strengths are, I stopped trusting people. I stopped trusting myself long ago. Everyday i wake up to 24-hours of being scared and anxious. 

10. Panic attacks took a toll on my body. I couldn't exercise anymore, I was too weak from the attacks. I don't have energy to do anything. 

11. I don't have anybody that understands what I'm going through. I never felt so alone. I wish God took my life so I don't have to deal with the pain. 

12. I was rushed to the emergency when my mother found me wondering around crying. This happened on a Wednesday.

13. I woke up in hospital ward. The doctor asked me, what day was today. I answered "Thursday". She smiled.

14. It was actually Friday. I was unconscious for 2 days, not remembering what the hell happened to me. 

And people think anxiety disorder was not a real?

Episode 7 - How depression thought me the most important life lesson (Part 1)

This is how I was way before the depression period. 

1. I was a happy person, very easy going, bubbly, have lots of friends, social butterfly. I can talk to strangers on a train or bus ride effortlessly. 

2. I am happily chubby and loves to eat. Chocolate is my staple food. Not rice, chocolate. And bread. Lots of bread. Yup. 

3. Even though I was overweight, my confidence was sky high. Being fat was never an issue. In fact, I was responsible for the weight gain of most of my roommates. This proves I was indeed an influential person. I invented the food "Roti Gemuk" which became a legendary favourite until today among my close friends.

3. I took Engineering degree without knowing what it is but I did well because I have so many friends to copy assignments and help me study. But the copying assignment is a major part how I survived. Graduated without not knowing what actually I learned in those 6 years. 

4. Started to have PMDD symptoms and mood swings. Sometimes, I have very bad temper. I was known to start fights when someone irritate me.  

5. I changed circle of friends like I change clothes. Most of the time, in bad terms. But my close friends remains the same for years. Mostly until today. 

6. I have very low tolerance to tardiness and people not taking school seriously. I study hard and I play hard. 

7. I was never in any serious relationship with a guy. Had few crushes but I always end up being "one of the guys" and nothing more.

8. Confessed to two guys, got rejected both times. But still feeling helluva fine. Life goes on. 

9. I am very straight forward and wear my heart on my sleeves. Most people can see right through me and I don't mind. I say what I feel, I was very opinionated and outspoken. 

10. Most personality tests will describe me pretty well. I am an old fashion Aries, Personality Plus is Sanguine, Inside colour is Yellow, Mayers-Brigs ENTJ. Seriously I was so predictable. Every personality test I took was SPOT ON describing me. I was easily figured out. 

To be continued...